I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
BRING THE BAGELS
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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