I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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