So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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