Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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