I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
