I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
