i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
