if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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