I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
