I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
