you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
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