Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
