Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Randomize
