I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
