I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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