Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
There r osticjed everywhere
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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