what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
