I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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