I wish my penis had an off switch
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
