I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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