Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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