this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
