I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
