When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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