My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
