there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
someone owes me an orgasm
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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