don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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