I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
