WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize