I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
