My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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