Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize