Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
