I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
