You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
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