Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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