I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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