We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
