I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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