Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
