my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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