what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
