Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
