I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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