I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
