why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
