you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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