she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize