sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
