I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
