Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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