at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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