I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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