Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
