I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
