i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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