it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
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