Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
