Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
