Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
