You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
