last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
i out mim tonsoeep
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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