Have you finally orgasmed yet?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
