I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
